Pre-So Cal

06/19/2010

         Wednesday, June 9^th of 2010 was the day that everything changed. The previous week was my last living in my parent’s second home of Citrus Heights. I had lived in that house for more than 12 years. That whole week and a half I spent completing all the final tasks I needed done before my move to So Cal. I lengthened the stay one day after another, saying that I had to finish the list of important to-do's. Which was true, but in reality, it wasn’t the real reason I stayed for another two days. I stayed, because I was finally feeling the severity of what moving really meant. I was saying goodbye to everything I had ever known, loved, hated, and even been apathetic to.

            Though my lifetime dream was to move to LA and pursue a career in film, it wasn’t tangible and concrete like my life in Nor Cal. Though everything had fallen into place in a miraculous, unconceivable fashion to ensure my path to LA, the vision of a new life was nothing compared to the 21 year, real memory in Sac. I am a Thinker; a hesitant, level-headed, patient yet unassertive man of ideas. I have a habit to cut myself short of progress; …a fail-safe to be nothing more than mediocre. Mediocre, exactly what I swore [as a child standing before my parents] not to be. I am like a turtle, a hermit, a groundhog. I prefer the safety and stability of my shell or cave, but when it comes time to come out in the light and find a new abode, I remain back. While others advance onto the dance floor of life, I’ve stayed at the sidelines, bench lined by my own fear and anticipation. Risk, though a favorite hallmark board-game of mine, is not my game.  Though staying in one place can come with its own share of difficulties, challenges, and hardships, you can’t really ever get anywhere else from there. …Unless you move, but that requires risk, and, well, I’ve always preferred the safe zone. I’ve always looked off to the horizon and fantasized about the grand, magnificent possibilities, but I am not the jock, wiz, or talent that has the confidence and skill to advance. And yet, fear of what waited for me beyond the horizon was not what held me back. No, it was the thoughts of all the possibilities that I had missed behind me.

            This hesitation wasn’t reminiscing… I wasn’t regretting things that had happened. I was regretting what things would and could not happen with my leaving. All the friends and people and family that I’ve known for so long, the Life of Matthew Lengyel in Nor Cal was not a future. It was an alternate reality, a timeline severed from the real. It was a life that did not and could not exist; it was but a dream. And so, my future was no longer just two roads dividing, but two dreams, two paths that no longer had any unyielding, concrete facts. And there was no turning back; only my ultimate tool… hesitation. That is why I stayed…

            …But only for a moment. I only stayed long enough to say goodbye to the things that truly mattered to me. They weren’t the endings I would have wanted; they weren’t the picture perfect farewells and finales that I would have dreamed up. They were short, quick, and drained; moments that weren’t celebrations or even mere hangouts. They felt like numb, unspoken eulogies, where we all pretended that nothing really was happening or changing. They were untimely, ill-placed epilogues. “This will be the rest of your life” felt like the end of it. It felt like I had been writing a long novel, and I had created dozens of side plots, all twisting and turning, leading to an epic finale!… but then my Publisher came and told me I only had two weeks to write the ending. And now that the ending is finished, I feel like I missed something. It’s like when George Lucas made Star Wars Episode III, and it got to 1 hr and 11 minutes into the script, and he forgot everything he had ever been leading up to. That’s what people like to call an: EPIC FAIL. But I digress… :P

            Despite my hesitation, despite my worries, despite my melancholy, I knew something that never before had I known. For all my life, living in Los Angeles was just a dream of mine. It was a fantasy that I never thought would or could possibly be real. But now, I knew; it was not just my dream anymore. I knew that even if I stayed in Nor Cal, things would still change. Things always do. This season in my life, no matter whatever I did, everything would never be the same. I knew that the day I turned 21. I’m no longer a kid, no longer a teenager. This was the time for Me to change with the change, because you’re either riding the wave, or crashing under it. I love to think, I love to dream, but sometimes, most of the time, you’ve just got to act, or else life will pass you by. And so, even though I wish I could have stayed, though I wish the alternate reality could have been real, we all have a certain amount of fate we must follow. Fate is what happens to us, but Destiny is the path we can choose to have. 

End of an Era

5/13/2010

The Countdown to change is flashing by. Are you ready, Matthew?

For nearly all my life, I have lived in the same town. From bouncing between new schools and churches in the area, to my first and current job at United Artist movie theatre in Roseville for five years (with a brief intermission at Safeway in Granite Bay), this is pretty much all I know. This has been my world. But this was not where it all began for me. 

I was born in the City of Angels, where much of my extended family lives, but I was moved before I can even remember to the Sacramento Area, and this is where I have dwelt since. I have been a part of many things throughout my life living here, but nearly every year I visited LA, I always felt that was where my family was. And from a simple moment of watching an awe inspiring movie in 4th grade, I have dreamed of a future...a career with Movies. Since then, I've felt my heart calling me back to the City of Angeles.

I must admit, I have been delusional and starry-eyed, fantasizing and daydreaming of things that I knew were not real. I haven’t been exceptionally good at many things in my life, but I have always been the master of imagination. There has been nowhere I couldn’t go…in my mind. And in the back of my head, there was always the faint whisper of reality telling me they were all fake, all lies, but I pushed them aside year after year, telling myself I’d be purposefully oblivious for just another year. And in truth, even now, I can not definitively say the validity of that thought process.

But in the last couple of years in college, as I’ve struggled with my sins and flaws, slowly I have dedicated myself to something more then just my dream. I hesitated for so long to commit, not because I didn’t believe in Him, but I didn’t believe in me. I didn’t believe he could work in me. I partially still don’t. But I’ve come to see myself do things I thought I’d never do before… Simple things that I thought I’d never have the stomach to confront.

But any good in me isn’t even me. Thank God…

As much as I hate my mistakes, as much as I regret some of the things I have done, I know that every single choice, good or bad, has brought me here…. Which is exactly where God wants me. My regrets and past and dreams have weighed me down, because I wouldn’t let them go.

I don’t even know when it happened, but suddenly, in a moment, I passionately and painstakingly was willing to sacrifice everything I had in me (which wasn’t/isn’t much), even my dream (which meant more to me than nearly anything in my whole life), for Christ. I prayed earnestly that He’d guide me, that He’d kill my dreams for my future if it wasn’t what he wanted for me. And the trials grew harder, and more was put on risk as that future began to morph from the abstract to the potential possible. And I felt weaker and weaker with the weight, and I screamed in my head for the doors to be smashed in my face. And then…three days later, the door opened.

I still have my doubts, and even since that day, I haven’t allowed myself to be over come with excitement by this dream. I haven’t allowed the resolving potential fact to sink in. And even now, a few weeks away, with it all becoming nearly concrete, I still haven’t allowed the emotions to storm in fully. Every time before, every time I almost moved down to LA in the last couple of years, the door always shifted, and I was always afraid, clutching fast to the world I knew, not ready to let go. And now, my feet and mind are loose, and I might just fall and be dropped into a new place: CSU Northridge.

But this is it. Even if my specific expectations for the future do not come true, I am (unless the door closes at the last minute) moving to the City of Angeles. I am not deluded anymore, and I’m also not intentionally oblivious and naïve anymore. I know that the City of Angeles isn’t the Realm of the Heavenly. In fact, the irony is I’m moving into the Heart of Darkness. I do not deny that I am probably not ready for any of this, but I know I’m Never Alone. And I know no matter how much I fail and fall, God squeezes good out of the worst of us. So here goes nothing… here goes everything. I risk all I have, in the only way I know. I’m following the signs.

So, I am leaving Nor Cal. On May 21^st, I depart for a week, and then I’ll be back here from the 31^st through June 6^th, and then, God-willed, I move to So Cal. I’m leaving behind everything I’ve ever known. So wish me not goodbye, just see you later.

Thank you all that have read this far for caring so much for me. Every moment, every experience that I’ve had with you will propel me forward.

Hopefully, I’m falling up.

The Worst Thing You Could Do...

...is nothing at all.

10/26/09

Change is slow. We barely see it, because we are so focused on what's weighing us down in the present, and where we want to be. We let our past drag us and stall us, rooting us to the spot we stand. We figure if we stand still, play it safe, we can't do wrong, can't get hurt. But yet, if we do this, do nothing, we can't get anywhere really at all. And even when we are moving, progressing, we can barely tell. But the movement is there, though slow and tedious. Though looking back can be detrimental to our progress, every once in awhile a quick glance back can show how truly far you've come. Or should I say, how you've changed.

We look at the big things, the big picture. Yet, we can't see the big picture, because we live in moments. So, we forget to live in the now. And we miss the moments that shift us to a change. Our choices, our actions, are what make the change. If we miss the moments, we miss the opportunity for change. But life is full of billions of moments. It is never too late in your life to make a change. For it only takes the slightest turning of the wheel to make your car move in a new direction.

We must not forget this life is full of urgency. Don't miss the moments. Don't regret. Face your fears. Act React. Take on life, being willing to get hurt. Don't lose the opportunities that are passing you by. Because, Today Could be Your Last Day.

How would you live your average day if you knew it was probably your last? Think about that. Maybe even every morning. Don't let the fear defeat you though. Let fear propel you from your inactivity to live. We were meant to not simply exist, but to LIVE. Experience. Grow.

I've needed to be reminded of all of this. And, I'll probably have to be daily reminded of this.
Though it is the big things that we look for, we don't see the little things that pile around us. It is the little things that affect us. That get under our skin, that sweep us off our feet. So don't miss them. Experience life in all of its wonder and pain now.

I've been letting the fear of the future and the memories of the past keep me nailed to the ground.
But I've known I've needed a change.

So, with one simple turn, one simple change, it has begun smaller changes. One by one. Until, I look back less than a month, I look back three, four months ago, and I see how different I am, How far I've come. So I'm going to keep moving. And pray that when moments full of opportunity approach me, that I'll move right instead of left, instead of forward past it, backwards, or nowhere.

Don't regret the moments missed, Make and take the moments Now. So. This is just the beginning. Cause yesterday’s history, tomorrows a mystery, and todays a present. So open on up.

The Poles Are Sporadically Perplexed

05/03/09

Itch beneath the skin,

Tremblings that can’t be soothed.

I’m absent of intellect,

Stuttering, unsure.

Where’d North go, oh compass?

Accomplice, predecessor to fear

What’s your cause? What’s your cure?

Thoughts have gone rampant,

Becoming my worst enemy.

Deceiver, when did you take reason?

You’re the culprit who stole my feet,

Caused the ignorance of hope.

Now it’s all gone South

Regret, why did you follow so willingly?

Instead of protest, you just stood still.

Self infliction has become my only progress,

Failures have become my wasteland nature.

Limbo unresolved, Gravity abandoned the Universe.

We’re all spiraling magnets lost in a derelict desert.

Even Earth’s core is confused to what is Up,

Or down, here I go. The infection is digging deep.

Oh Worry, you’re no friend of mine.

The Man-made Ditch

09/19/08

Current mood: contemplative

We all in the beginning were good. We were all innocent. But then we started seeing; we started feeling; we started living, and learning. We learned of the natural order of things. We learned that if we put our hand in the fire, we get burned. We learned that we could not fly; that everything that went up had to come down. We learned the natural principals of life; of the world; our world. But we also learned that people can control the way the world works. The natural rules can be avoided for a time; they can be bent, and nearly broken. In the end, however, we all fall; we all decay; like the world. The world is falling apart, and not just from time, but from all that we've done to it; all we’ve done to each other.

Life in this world is cruel, and that is what infects us. We see the world and life only from our eyes, and it's easy to let our pain and suffering turn to anger and hatred and rage. It is easy to let that inflict on others. We hurt others because we hurt. It happened in the very beginning, with the first murder, with the first stone thrown. And it would seem it will never end till we kill each other; till we kill the whole world.

Make no doubt about, do not be fooled, there will be no peace on Earth. Not in this lifetime. Because this lifetime is a seemingly endless cycle. Around and around we go; there is nothing new under this sun; we all feel the same emotions as one another, just slightly different variations of one another. That does not mean there is no purpose to life; that does not mean there is no choice and no hope. We are dark because we choose to be. Some can choose a path that tries to walk away from such selfishness, but we can only try; we can only achieve so much alone. Just by one man you can not redeem the crimes of all of humanity. But together, one by one, we can save one another. Make no doubt about it, not everyone will want to change from their ways.

It is Easy to only reflect inwards; to live only for ones self and what one wants.

It is Hard to live for something more then one self.

Our world is full of distractions, of darkness to lead us astray. It is easy to confuse things; it is easy to mistake what feels good and right for what actually is. We must always be wary. Because the darkness rises in us with every breath we live; for every breath we take in this world, we become apart of it, and thus every day we live, we die a little.

This world is of decaying; we can not save this world, this life style; it is only temporary. But we can save each other. And that is the purpose of life. Help one another save each other from ourselves; from our dark ways. Because if we do not, if we just ignore the truth, if we just choose to live a lie in ignorance and to live for what only feels right to ourselves, if we allow ourselves to become obsessed with the lifestyles of our societies, to be convinced that this world is all we have, so help us God, then we will fall.

We will rape and defile and murder and steal and lie and cheat and betray and leave one another. But only if we allow it.

To say that there is no point and no purpose in trying to stop this is only to fall to the ignorance of our ways. We allow our own fall, we allow the wrong, we make the choice; every single one of us, one by one, every day. But if for once in our lives, we choose to be better than that, we can make a difference. Sure we won't save the world, sure we won't stop war and killing and crime and wrong, and sure we won't bring peace, sure not everyone will see what we are doing, but at the very least, we will know the truth. At least we will save ourselves. Because only through changing our own ways as individuals, do we have any hope of saving others. And it begins with the simplest change every day, the simplest choice. And we know it.

But I guarantee, almost every day, we will deny it, deny that one little choice can make a difference. How do I know? Because I do that very thing nearly every day.

So, when do we step out our front door, and make the difference? When will I? Tomorrow? The Next Day? Ever? Will I skip a day? Two? A week? Months? Ever? Never?

Will I let myself become a part of the descending tidal wave spiraling down in the cycle of decay? Will I save myself from myself? Will I ever let myself change?

When do we decide to Live for good, instead of letting the evil win?

And that, we have to answer to Ourselves.

Let’s Just Skip This May

04/28/08

I'm afraid of the future

I'm afraid I won’t live up to it

I'm afraid I won’t make it

I'm afraid I will fail

Or maybe just bail

 

I'm afraid I won’t try

I'm afraid I won’t try hard enough

I'm afraid I won’t be good enough

I'm afraid I'll never modify

 

I'm afraid I'll never learn

I'm afraid I'll never be motivated

I'm afraid I'll never live

I'm afraid I'll never feel Him again

I'm afraid I can't feel Him anymore

 

I'm afraid of my crimes

I'm afraid of lies

I'm afraid of what I am

I'm afraid of what I'm not

 

I'm afraid of what I want to be

I'm afraid of what it means

I'm afraid I won't become it

I'm afraid to just stay the same

I'm afraid to just stay

 

I'm afraid to go

I'm afraid I'll never leave

I'm afraid I'll never succeed

I'm afraid they are right about me

 

I'm afraid I'll never be more

I'm afraid I'll fail them

I'm afraid I'll fail me

I'm afraid I'll fail You

I'm afraid I'll never be

What you wanted me to be

 

I'm afraid I'll give up

I'm afraid it won't matter

Either which way

I'm terrified it's almost my

Birthday today

In The End...

10/31/2007

No matter how dark it was, there was always hope. Always the Light.

Or so he had thought. So he had believed so desperately.

No matter how dark, how painful, how horrifying his dreams were, he always clung to the belief that in the end, it did matter.

But that’s all he fucking had. His stupid freaking dreams. That’s all he had ever clung on to. Reality had been too painful, and with his Imagination, he could numb himself.

                Was that what it meant to be a man? To be like a cold rock? To have emotions shimmer so low beneath the surface, that no one could ever see? That even if they whispered it, no one would know?

He had tried to love. Tried to give everything he was. But that sacrifice was too much. It killed off portions of his identity. He was too young, too naïve, too selfish, too weak.

Every moment of life changes you as an individual. Some in small ways, some in progressive ways. Others in degrading, corrupting, consuming ways.

But what was It for?

Life was about Choice.

Did It even truly matter? Were the dreams wrong?

What was the point, if the very core of human nature was Selfishness?

                He had become consumed by it.

Nearly every story he had ever thought up was a lesson, a metaphor, a tale about why humanity was corrupt; why the greatest good was compassion; selflessness.

That divinity was what we were meant to strive for. To give up the choice and be selfless.

But as he looked at the world, even the attempting virtuous ones, no one could reach the goal. No one could be victorious. No one could be holy.

He looked at himself, and wondered if every memory, every moment, was worth it. If in the end, it was overall selfishness. If that was all we lived for. Even in lives where people gave parts of themselves up, the selfishness survived and destroyed and created the ultimate collusion and conflict.

No wonder men disconnected. No. No wonder he had.

If Choice was the most Important aspect of Life…the most defining part of it anyways…was that the point of Life?

If Selflessness was the Strive; then interaction with People was the most important thing you could do in Life. Sounds kind of obvious….but isn’t that why we are here? (If you believe religion anyways.)

Cause…God was Lonely…

God could do Anything. But he had to make others to survive Loneliness.

                How horrifying is that?! Knowing that the only victor, the only thing that influenced god so greatly besides Love (which Love did not exist yet…),

…was Loneliness. ..

So Selflessness and Choice are the essence, the reason for Life. Because of that, Love exists.

And the greatest destinies presented before us?

Love Life, Love the Cause, Love Others.

But if Choice spawns Selfishness, and through Selfishness spawns Sin, and corruption, and Death, and Shadows, then how do we truly….survive? Survive? Is that the right word? 

We as people need Purpose. Without it, there is no Point.

So, couldn’t that be why we have a Purpose? We needed it, so we search our entire lives for One. So humanity invented a few to be passed down for generation and generation; to convince each other that there Is Purpose; that there is a Point. That it does matter.

                Born from Loneliness, Born from Corruption, Born from Death and Darkness; was Fear.

It is Fear that conquers over us, as Humans.

It hinders us. And there is no escaping it.

Is that the one thing God doesn’t feel? Is that why he gives us Hope? Is that why he is the symbol of Light?

Humans’ greatest Fear is being Alone.

God could feel that.

                Maybe that is the inevitable Destiny. The End.

We try to not believe it, try to believe in an After Life, try to believe in Forever, in Hope, in the Light. But the Truth is, the Darkness exists with or without Light. It is Nothing. It is the inescapable Void inside of Us all.

We are all alone. If we believe in Selflessness, we can try to ignore it. We can convince our selves that Everyone matters; that Together We can survive. We can live ‘happily Ever After”

That there is Hope. That there is Light at the end of the tunnel.

But what happens when the Light goes out? When Selfishness wins? The Darkness remains. The Fear remains.

Because we are Alone. There is no one that can save us. Maybe for a moment, but never forever.

No one will know what you Feel. No one will truly care…forever. Love can not Last Forever.  We are human. We corrode and corrupt and hurt and enclose.  This is what it means to be Human. And in the End, We are All Alone.

So fuck Dreams. It’s time to stop denying Reality anymore…

Lying in Paradise

08/07 to 02/08

After a ripple in time, hesitated
 
In which I feared, apprehended,

That I had lost my breath

and

lingered near death

I grasped realization of what I am

and

awoken from my dream

This is what I found

I was horrendously occupied

By my own sight

Words were sent to Waste

I fumbled with Disgrace

And by my mistake

With unsteady aim misplaced

I killed with every embrace

And was left standing all by my own

Lone

I Mourned

With no Haste

To undo what I distaste

I failed to save this grace

That I was given in this place

With no longer any Motivation

I was left idiosyncratic

Deviating from what i once was

Promises fell to pieces

Despite

My fight.

I need desperately

to change my ways


and

Refine my Recline

I've Fabricated all my truths to lies

Devised my own Decline to Demise

Misleading, Deceiving, Stealing

I've become the Darkness

And now my repercussions

Make me as Disloyal as the Waves

Undependable to the edge

Now is it time to fall?

or keep climbing up this Hell

The Benefits of Being Untrustworthy

i'm left without a Preference

Inability to Distinguish difference

From the Black and the White

And Everything In between

I'm pitiful as the scum

This is the path of those who...

Lie in Paradise

Lose It All

07/27-28/07

Impact.

Methods To Madness

Unintentional Abandoning

There Are Reasons For These Absurdities…

Metaphorical Signs Seeping Out

Of Manifested Destinies

Trembling Resolve

And Faith

Burst

Contained

To Flames Abroad

Comets Searing Across These Skies

Roaring of the Dull Wake of Nothing Time

To See Covenants Hindered

Faltering Shattering

Piece It Back Together As It Falls

Aimless Destinations Never Unfolding

From These Wanderings Of The Psyche

This Habitual Mediocrity Isn’t Satisfying

Anymore.

So Oops

It’s Back To Lingering

Ignoring Remorse

Kissing the Abstract

Drift Through Shadows And Grasp…

Adhering Cleavage Upon The Unstable

Futile Attempts Clinging

 I'm Absent From These Sessions

Grief Still Isn't Scarring This Face

These Neglects Infecting Regret

---

So To Hold On

I Invest Everything

Raising The Stakes

Throwing All In

But Destiny Bluffed

Bonds And Debts Are Rising Waves

Unknown Selves Unleash Unknown Cruelties

Tides Have Changed

Rebellion Went Rogue

And Now There Is War

Ripping Away The Clouds of Nine

And Detonations Can Only Be Delayed

As Catastrophic Reign Approaches…

Stay Home While The Bombs Drop

Wanting To Just Sleep

Held Hands Tight Together

Whispering Nothings Wrong

As Everything’s Wrong.

Craters Rip The Surface

And Core

Apart

These Inflictions Upon

Were Not Meant To Crumble…

They Were Thought Up As Good Intentions…

And It All Went To Hell.

Thus The Terror That Thwarted Tranquility

Disposed Of My Integrity

Killing Us…

L is for Lamenting

Apologies And Promises Are Just Words

Lost Alone Amongst This Evolving Derelict

Horrified Of The Fears’ Victory

That Took The Soul

Sacrifices Disregarded Cause Of Selfishness

Not Able To Be Your Savior,

Not Willing To Be The Hated,

I Fold.

You-Turns

07-27-07

You Turns

There Isn’t Enough Space…

And The Lights Are Burned Out

 

Cross Roads Where

When Drift We Wonder

 

Never Whatever?

 

How Does: “So It Goes…”?

 

No One Has The Answers

When The Questions Can’t Even Be Asked

Tumbling Fallings

We

Me

Trying to Switch Right Side Up…

Never Revealing The Mysteries

Of The Travesty Of Tragedies

Forgotten

The Fade Scene

06-29-07

Current mood:nauseated

------

Alex stared down at where his arm should have been.

He horrifyingly saw a stump, his arm hewed off above the elbow, laying a foot away from his body sprawled out on the ground.

He was bleeding profusely.

There was blood everywhere.

The red stained his hands, splattered across his shirt and the discolored cement.

He stumbled, falling to the ground; him trying to balance his fall, trying to stop short from hitting the floor.

He had no left arm to do so.

He tumbled, crashing onto the ground, the cold cement, numbing his body.

He staggered, trying to get up, but every inch of him tingled and stung.

He looked at all the blood pouring out from the remains of his arm, dripping upon the ground.

Frantically he tried with his right hand to hold over the wound; desperately, uselessly trying to stop the blood.

It wasn't stopping.

He felt clumps and ripples of it skimming across his flesh and skin, streaming away.

He pulled his hand away.

And starred at it.

He had starred at it a thousand times.

But never like this.

He became dizzy, staring at his own blood.

Looking at the disfigured remnant of his shriveled arm, he felt a heavy weight in his stomach; a churning repulse, gagging him.

Through his chest.

Up his confined throat.

The air he breathed choked at him.

It wasn't enough.

No.

His head buzzed, spinning; he felt faint.

Pain erupted and stabbed within.

It was his head.

The blood.

To his head.

It wasn't enough.

He was losing blood.

He watched it all rushing out.

It was all over him.

His hands were drenched.

His body and shirt covered in dark red hand prints.

His hand prints.

His.

His blood.

Everywhere.

He felt everything.

His whole body spazzed and shivered, his muscles and veins, his skin convulsing.

He couldn't keep away the cold.

He shivered.

His ears were ringing, his vision blurred.

He couldn't focus; random images flashed and dissolved before his eyes.

He felt weak.

He felt it all slip away.

The pain was completely numbing now.

It was all going away.

Everything.

He couldn't feel anything.

Nothing, except the cold cement.

He laid down.

He felt puddles.

They felt warm.

He curled up in them.

He closed his eyes.

Vision faded away.

Memorizes, thoughts, kept flashing.

There wasn't any more pain.

He couldn't stop wondering…

Just maybe…just maybe…if he hadn't…

He stopped thinking.