The Poles Are Sporadically Perplexed

05/03/09

Itch beneath the skin,

Tremblings that can’t be soothed.

I’m absent of intellect,

Stuttering, unsure.

Where’d North go, oh compass?

Accomplice, predecessor to fear

What’s your cause? What’s your cure?

Thoughts have gone rampant,

Becoming my worst enemy.

Deceiver, when did you take reason?

You’re the culprit who stole my feet,

Caused the ignorance of hope.

Now it’s all gone South

Regret, why did you follow so willingly?

Instead of protest, you just stood still.

Self infliction has become my only progress,

Failures have become my wasteland nature.

Limbo unresolved, Gravity abandoned the Universe.

We’re all spiraling magnets lost in a derelict desert.

Even Earth’s core is confused to what is Up,

Or down, here I go. The infection is digging deep.

Oh Worry, you’re no friend of mine.

The Man-made Ditch

09/19/08

Current mood: contemplative

We all in the beginning were good. We were all innocent. But then we started seeing; we started feeling; we started living, and learning. We learned of the natural order of things. We learned that if we put our hand in the fire, we get burned. We learned that we could not fly; that everything that went up had to come down. We learned the natural principals of life; of the world; our world. But we also learned that people can control the way the world works. The natural rules can be avoided for a time; they can be bent, and nearly broken. In the end, however, we all fall; we all decay; like the world. The world is falling apart, and not just from time, but from all that we've done to it; all we’ve done to each other.

Life in this world is cruel, and that is what infects us. We see the world and life only from our eyes, and it's easy to let our pain and suffering turn to anger and hatred and rage. It is easy to let that inflict on others. We hurt others because we hurt. It happened in the very beginning, with the first murder, with the first stone thrown. And it would seem it will never end till we kill each other; till we kill the whole world.

Make no doubt about, do not be fooled, there will be no peace on Earth. Not in this lifetime. Because this lifetime is a seemingly endless cycle. Around and around we go; there is nothing new under this sun; we all feel the same emotions as one another, just slightly different variations of one another. That does not mean there is no purpose to life; that does not mean there is no choice and no hope. We are dark because we choose to be. Some can choose a path that tries to walk away from such selfishness, but we can only try; we can only achieve so much alone. Just by one man you can not redeem the crimes of all of humanity. But together, one by one, we can save one another. Make no doubt about it, not everyone will want to change from their ways.

It is Easy to only reflect inwards; to live only for ones self and what one wants.

It is Hard to live for something more then one self.

Our world is full of distractions, of darkness to lead us astray. It is easy to confuse things; it is easy to mistake what feels good and right for what actually is. We must always be wary. Because the darkness rises in us with every breath we live; for every breath we take in this world, we become apart of it, and thus every day we live, we die a little.

This world is of decaying; we can not save this world, this life style; it is only temporary. But we can save each other. And that is the purpose of life. Help one another save each other from ourselves; from our dark ways. Because if we do not, if we just ignore the truth, if we just choose to live a lie in ignorance and to live for what only feels right to ourselves, if we allow ourselves to become obsessed with the lifestyles of our societies, to be convinced that this world is all we have, so help us God, then we will fall.

We will rape and defile and murder and steal and lie and cheat and betray and leave one another. But only if we allow it.

To say that there is no point and no purpose in trying to stop this is only to fall to the ignorance of our ways. We allow our own fall, we allow the wrong, we make the choice; every single one of us, one by one, every day. But if for once in our lives, we choose to be better than that, we can make a difference. Sure we won't save the world, sure we won't stop war and killing and crime and wrong, and sure we won't bring peace, sure not everyone will see what we are doing, but at the very least, we will know the truth. At least we will save ourselves. Because only through changing our own ways as individuals, do we have any hope of saving others. And it begins with the simplest change every day, the simplest choice. And we know it.

But I guarantee, almost every day, we will deny it, deny that one little choice can make a difference. How do I know? Because I do that very thing nearly every day.

So, when do we step out our front door, and make the difference? When will I? Tomorrow? The Next Day? Ever? Will I skip a day? Two? A week? Months? Ever? Never?

Will I let myself become a part of the descending tidal wave spiraling down in the cycle of decay? Will I save myself from myself? Will I ever let myself change?

When do we decide to Live for good, instead of letting the evil win?

And that, we have to answer to Ourselves.

Let’s Just Skip This May

04/28/08

I'm afraid of the future

I'm afraid I won’t live up to it

I'm afraid I won’t make it

I'm afraid I will fail

Or maybe just bail

 

I'm afraid I won’t try

I'm afraid I won’t try hard enough

I'm afraid I won’t be good enough

I'm afraid I'll never modify

 

I'm afraid I'll never learn

I'm afraid I'll never be motivated

I'm afraid I'll never live

I'm afraid I'll never feel Him again

I'm afraid I can't feel Him anymore

 

I'm afraid of my crimes

I'm afraid of lies

I'm afraid of what I am

I'm afraid of what I'm not

 

I'm afraid of what I want to be

I'm afraid of what it means

I'm afraid I won't become it

I'm afraid to just stay the same

I'm afraid to just stay

 

I'm afraid to go

I'm afraid I'll never leave

I'm afraid I'll never succeed

I'm afraid they are right about me

 

I'm afraid I'll never be more

I'm afraid I'll fail them

I'm afraid I'll fail me

I'm afraid I'll fail You

I'm afraid I'll never be

What you wanted me to be

 

I'm afraid I'll give up

I'm afraid it won't matter

Either which way

I'm terrified it's almost my

Birthday today

In The End...

10/31/2007

No matter how dark it was, there was always hope. Always the Light.

Or so he had thought. So he had believed so desperately.

No matter how dark, how painful, how horrifying his dreams were, he always clung to the belief that in the end, it did matter.

But that’s all he fucking had. His stupid freaking dreams. That’s all he had ever clung on to. Reality had been too painful, and with his Imagination, he could numb himself.

                Was that what it meant to be a man? To be like a cold rock? To have emotions shimmer so low beneath the surface, that no one could ever see? That even if they whispered it, no one would know?

He had tried to love. Tried to give everything he was. But that sacrifice was too much. It killed off portions of his identity. He was too young, too naïve, too selfish, too weak.

Every moment of life changes you as an individual. Some in small ways, some in progressive ways. Others in degrading, corrupting, consuming ways.

But what was It for?

Life was about Choice.

Did It even truly matter? Were the dreams wrong?

What was the point, if the very core of human nature was Selfishness?

                He had become consumed by it.

Nearly every story he had ever thought up was a lesson, a metaphor, a tale about why humanity was corrupt; why the greatest good was compassion; selflessness.

That divinity was what we were meant to strive for. To give up the choice and be selfless.

But as he looked at the world, even the attempting virtuous ones, no one could reach the goal. No one could be victorious. No one could be holy.

He looked at himself, and wondered if every memory, every moment, was worth it. If in the end, it was overall selfishness. If that was all we lived for. Even in lives where people gave parts of themselves up, the selfishness survived and destroyed and created the ultimate collusion and conflict.

No wonder men disconnected. No. No wonder he had.

If Choice was the most Important aspect of Life…the most defining part of it anyways…was that the point of Life?

If Selflessness was the Strive; then interaction with People was the most important thing you could do in Life. Sounds kind of obvious….but isn’t that why we are here? (If you believe religion anyways.)

Cause…God was Lonely…

God could do Anything. But he had to make others to survive Loneliness.

                How horrifying is that?! Knowing that the only victor, the only thing that influenced god so greatly besides Love (which Love did not exist yet…),

…was Loneliness. ..

So Selflessness and Choice are the essence, the reason for Life. Because of that, Love exists.

And the greatest destinies presented before us?

Love Life, Love the Cause, Love Others.

But if Choice spawns Selfishness, and through Selfishness spawns Sin, and corruption, and Death, and Shadows, then how do we truly….survive? Survive? Is that the right word? 

We as people need Purpose. Without it, there is no Point.

So, couldn’t that be why we have a Purpose? We needed it, so we search our entire lives for One. So humanity invented a few to be passed down for generation and generation; to convince each other that there Is Purpose; that there is a Point. That it does matter.

                Born from Loneliness, Born from Corruption, Born from Death and Darkness; was Fear.

It is Fear that conquers over us, as Humans.

It hinders us. And there is no escaping it.

Is that the one thing God doesn’t feel? Is that why he gives us Hope? Is that why he is the symbol of Light?

Humans’ greatest Fear is being Alone.

God could feel that.

                Maybe that is the inevitable Destiny. The End.

We try to not believe it, try to believe in an After Life, try to believe in Forever, in Hope, in the Light. But the Truth is, the Darkness exists with or without Light. It is Nothing. It is the inescapable Void inside of Us all.

We are all alone. If we believe in Selflessness, we can try to ignore it. We can convince our selves that Everyone matters; that Together We can survive. We can live ‘happily Ever After”

That there is Hope. That there is Light at the end of the tunnel.

But what happens when the Light goes out? When Selfishness wins? The Darkness remains. The Fear remains.

Because we are Alone. There is no one that can save us. Maybe for a moment, but never forever.

No one will know what you Feel. No one will truly care…forever. Love can not Last Forever.  We are human. We corrode and corrupt and hurt and enclose.  This is what it means to be Human. And in the End, We are All Alone.

So fuck Dreams. It’s time to stop denying Reality anymore…