Clouds of Nine

3-21-07

Walking upon fallen leaves

The brightest colors before the 'Fall', during, and after…

Ironic delicacies of the World tossed aside by children's echoes and Laughter…

A sudden change in the destiny of Lives

So peaceful a resolve to such a cold season

To undo and brush away the stained strands of the sad past

Change the tone of this melody and wipe away the raindrops no longer searing

Adjust the shade to colors of Clarity that shine so bright

And smile

Without seemingly a sound sane Reason.

Triumph over the Sufferers,

changing Scene from travesty to happy endings,

to new beginnings.

Now its Spring, so farewell to the worldly flings

Come and gone has the Ice Age

So no more rage, Time to turn the page

Watch as storm clouds fade away

Say Goodbye to Goodbyes

And blossom and change into something More

Rays of hope guiding paths to better ways

Now discover the Clouds of Nine

Radiating across the wondrous spectrums of the sky

I have it to be finally Mine

A world of warmth and smiles and wind

grazing across the hills and grassy plains under the Blue Pure.

Body and soul link

To a world beyond this own

Unveil it

A Heaven found on Earth

Sing and Scream for joy all your troubles away

Forget the desires of the world

And just lay back and close your eyes

And See spirit rise

Feel

Gliding upon air

Float amongst the branches and clouds

Soar up to the sky

Breath taken by the awe and power of the infinite wonder

Take it up in your arms

And Hold on with simple hands.

Fly away from Reality

And up into the clouds so high.

This the only still frame with everlasting essence

Paint this perfect Picture

This place better then home…

Never want to leave this place

Where there are no walls to restrict

Or buildings to test the limit of the sky

No fences to yield the escapade.

Hear the echoes of the Hymn of Life

So run on through the trees,

Prancing carefree

Onwards to the Parade

Where dying ends and living begins

A place where anything is possible.

A land of fantasy

Where night time dreams are day time adventures

Everyday is a mystery worth seeking out

A forest of unseen discoveries to be found

All under this Sun…

Take it with here or there

It can be anywhere the Mind is Set.

Time has no power here

So throw that clock right out the window

And never come back to the horrid Now

Live and Be Free

Intertwined upon trees

Fall into piles of leaves

Lay upon grass

Stare up at shooting stars

Let go of Gravity

And set sail across the sea of sky

To find the Clouds of Nine

Welcome Home

03/19/07 

Current mood: Indescribable anger

Bask in the river of warmth

Let the searing heat stream and flow through your veins

Let steam rise from your flesh

Your skin as light as air

Your mind as unrestrained and infinite

as Space. Far and beyond.

Untouchable and High.

Floating, Soaring; Spirit released in sighs of solitude,

breaths of invincibility and endless possibilities

A world only as solid as you allow

'This Place' so welcoming as Home,

A place so well liked…

And craved by desires

Echoes to Freedom

Pleasure far expanding dreams

Out living them

Killing them

Hands and finger tips grazing and caressing

and feeling across the fabrics of the world

Pulsing and pressing against

Mesmerized by vibrations

Pounding hard into the ground.

Escape from Fences

Leap

Lose Breath and pray-no, hope

And land and run on

And whisk away necessaries and values

Leave behind past and fear

Let go and Lose control

Release Drive to rage Adrenalin

Breath in smiles unrestrained

Breath out passionate

And strong

Allow Will to reach out and conquer and explore

To Live Everything

Glare out upon rocks and hills and paths

And dare to die or break the '…Reason'

Pave your own trail

Discover the Ambiance lurking within

And seek out…more.

Time washes by…

Frustration slowly escalates for a world so easily broken.

Crash against resolutions of mind and emotions

Define your central Being

Express through Actions.

Burn and tear

Exalt your absolute

Embrace it and feel Alive

   …The only passage to everlasting existence

Leave behind and forget the Essence

let it shatter and waste away in your wake.

Let memories awaken Innate voices

Vivacity born within

Pressure ripping and expanding

Breaking and ushering into discharges

Clouds Rushing outwards,

Chain reactions of explosions

Waves of annihilations, pounding heart beats

Back drafts of melting Life

Exhale

and

let the air roar from your lungs,

scream until your soul tears away your body's frame and whole,

let it all out until nothing remains

Till the thousand scars cut and fractured, self inflicted over and over

eachother no longer heal.

Watch, and feel the sensation, blood streaming out-

bleed out and feel the burning-

-Sting and stab, unanticipated convulsions of pain.

Fade the music of beating hearts

One by one

And in the solemn silence of the night,

Look and see the ruins of graveyards

                      That you have caused

And admire

And feel

And cry

For the before unseen connections and bonds now, Where_

...Only Now can you see the Essence, Past.

Remember and never smile again

The beauty of Irony and Tragedy.

All alone.

Now you see Everything

Feel the Cold air

              Whisper you away...

Transition from concrete to abstract.

Now

Welcome home

The Vice of My Pride

04-07/11

…But Now I know this is a lie. Fear has given birth to a different kind of PRIDE in my heart. I didn’t believe I ever needed help because I thought I could handle things on my own…or rather that I should…

I felt that to be a man, one handled their own issues. To be a man, you bottled up your emotions, and carried your own burdens silently.      

So, I buried such things deep down in my subconscious, ignoring them to the point that I convinced myself I had no emotions. But in reality, I was just avoiding them.

I would at a seconds notice drop almost anything and everything for others if they had issues and needed help or advice, but I never considered myself on the same level as others. It became what I thought was selflessness, (to help, give advice, and guide others all the while ignoring myself) but really it became an inverted selfishness… a negative, self-inflicting pride. 

I looked down on myself, beating myself up internally if I ever had any ‘issues’ bubble up from the depths. Instantly I would think ‘don’t be stupid’ and ‘your issues don’t matter’ and ‘people have it so much worse than you…stop being selfish’. I’d go months… years even without ever dealing with myself. But little wounds, no matter how small they are, become infected and, unattended, fester. A thousand little cuts piled over each other can’t be healed by fixing band aids over them. 

I became too prideful to truly open up and ask for help from others because I didn’t think I was worth it. I figured people would only care about me if I was helping them with their problems, but really, this was because I had no confidence in myself. Pride is a sign of low self-esteem, not confidence. And without confidence, you slowly die and lose your identity. You can exist without it, as I did, but you can’t live.

I became a robot without identity. I denied my emotions’ existence, and I swept everything under the rug. But rugs can only bury so much before you start tripping over the rubble. Hide or run became my only responses to anything pertaining to me. I had to be a man… I had to take care of myself.

I Am Not Who I Was

    To see how we've changed and grown, we must look back. And so, as I load up writings from my past, I will start at the beginning. The beginning of my 'blogging', so to say. 

     I was seventeen. I was still terrible at writing, but after starting to write my first novel in junior high, "An Elf's Tale", even though I was horrible at writing, (and anything involving language, including English) I had discovered how writing was one of the only ways I could find a way to express myself. It was the one way that all the stories that my mind seemed to sporadically invent (seemingly automatically) could find their way into the world. And so, my hobby of writing set sail.

    Dozens of stories began to fill up my computer's hard drive, but I never seemed able to finish them or get far. I began to journal in my Junior year of High School, but once I reached my Senior year, I took two semesters of A.P. English classes (Language and Literature) which changed me forever. Reading a new literary acclaimed book nearly every week, writing at least an essay a day, and learning how to analyze and understand acclaimed writings (poems, essays, short stories) were the strenuous aspects of the classes, and they enhanced my abilities and desires to write ten fold. Junior and Senior year came with all kinds of new and profound experiences, and the effect of all these things led to the stock pile of writings that shall follow this post.

    Just know...I was a teenager, desperately trying to understand the world, discover himself, and experience new things. I went from a naive and obliviously scared little boy Freshman year to a corrupted, seemingly content 'cool' kid within just a few years. Though I had escaped my solitude isolated state into the popular public light, I was barely beginning to learn how to embrace myself and to truly express myself. I was truly hiding in plain sight...trying to find a way out of my shell. The attempts led to a dark search for self in which I abandoned much that I had known for the unknown, being hurt and hurting others along the way. 

      Please remember, I am not who I was. I am no longer that person. But to understand me now, how I've changed, you must see where I came from. You shall see who I was.

The Vice of My Fears

04-07-11

FEAR has been my god. I have let Fear rule my life. I have let it tell me that I am weak, powerless against it my whole life. My stomach would convulse; my neck tightening like a boa constricting. My heart would race of boiling water, filling my lungs as they hammered against my ribs, desperate for air. But Fear wouldn't let me... or rather it had deceived me into thinking I couldn't.

I've been a slave to Fear, letting it lord over me. Its many voices would tell me "you can't do it!", and I would echo back "I can't do it", believing it. Fear was the most powerful thing I had ever known; it could make me do whatever it wanted; it could make me not do whatever it didn't want me to do. I was Fear's puppet, and so,  became a hermit, crawling within myself, so afraid of the outside world that I became content to stare out at life, sitting at the sidelines. I convinced myself that that was all I was ever good for, and that that's where I belonged... in the corner. I became the loner, a boy of little words. I always wanted to speak up, to act, to be a part of life with others, but Fear always kept me at bay. But when you're in the corner, people eventually notice. A shadow on the wall eventually dims the whole room. I didn't want to be pitied; I didn't want people to see my weakness. And so, I emerged from the wall benches, pretending that I was apart of the living crowd. But really, I never left the sidelines.    

Over the years, I began to think that Fear was a childish thing, and as I grew older, I convinced myself it didn't exist anymore. However, it took on new faces, far more subtle and invisible: Worry. Worrying was what adults did, and it just was apart of the growing-up package. So was Fear's deception. Fear convinced me that I wasn't infected by it, and thus I never thought I needed to be treated or cured. I was convinced I didn't need help.

UNCENSORED ME

05-19-11

So, here we are. …And you might be wondering, why is Lengyel writing a blog? Let me pose a more appropriate question: Why am I just now starting one?

Ever since middle school, I have been a story-teller, or rather a story-inventor. You see, the telling has not always occurred. In actuality, it has been near lacking. As a Thinker, my thoughts have often rattled around within the confines of my head, concepts never escaping to reality. It’s a wonder that my ponderings have ever become spoken words at all.

My hesitance to speak has been on account of my greatest fears. For the longest of times I thought these were only that I feared no one would care to hear what I had to say…but there is so much more to it than that. I fear that my words just don’t have weight; that they simply do not matter. These fears, however, are consequence of something much deeper: my own self worth [or lack there of].

As a relational person, I care what others think and expect of me. Probably too much…to a fault. In high-school, I secretly dubbed myself the Glass Man, an individual who reflected others and the world around…yet not himself. He was a man with many masks, rotating through them because he was too afraid to reveal his own face. I would be what I thought people wanted me to be, and hid the me I wanted to be away in the shadows of my shell, And, to be honest, I still do this to an extent. But when you wear every face but your own, you lose your identity.

I have spent my whole life listening to others, suppressing my dreams, putting myself down by putting others first, and denying my own value…so now, I’m trying things out differently. I figure, others might as well give me a bit of listening for a change. I am putting the old me to death, and becoming alive and new. Though I was raised in the Christian faith, I never really felt like I belonged. I used to think fully dedicating to Christ would mean losing your identity. With my rebirth through baptism on November 15th, 2009, I'm finding my identity. Or rather, I'm no longer hiding it.

    Now, If you’re expecting a religious blog, turn back now. And if you’re expecting clean-cut, respectable reading, you should also turn back. This is LENGYEL UNCENSORED.

What can you expect from this blog, though?

Illusions shattered. Emotions revealed. Ponders and Wonderings unleashed.

Thought you know me? Look again.

As this blog has been a long time coming, the delay has created a stock pile of writings and works throughout my life. Above all else, realize this: I am not the person I was.