Ventures in the Dark

05/03/07

Current mood: pensive  

                   

 Sleep of the World
…Awakenings of Nightmares
Another Day.
Welcome back to the ever familiar isolation
Another consolation to soothe the discomforting
After just another day.
Days of a World as solid as Now
Clocks ticking, define and tell…

       The Day crawls to an end
The Sun sets down another lost …
The Last faint radiations of color spasms
Splitter through the backdrops of clouds
Whisper away the dark rainbows wide and sprawled across.
Streams of light fade the sky to night
Bright colors transition to darkness
As the world slips away
Drowning the day and the sky
to be awakened again tomorrow…

         So Now the world decides to sleep.
The doors shut. The windows close. The locks turn. The lights dim.
But one house.
With just another family.
Slowly falls asleep.

With only one soul still
Not yet dead to the night;
To bear witness to the quiet finale of another day.

            Just a young boy
Watching frame by frame life whisper away
Till yawns rhyme him to doze.
Tiredness conquers, and so
time to put to bed days and dreams.

He picks up his feet
And turns the rest
Of the house
Off
To sleep.
He shuffles down
The dark hallway
Looking to see
The absents of disturbance
Rooms quiet
Never to speak up awakenings of fantasies
Put to bed time and time again.
And so the boy sighs…
Time for another existence birthed from mute and dead dreams
to end tonight.

He turns off the lights
Pitch goes the hallway
the boy stands in

Dark.
He walks blind down it
Hands upon the walls
Memorizing the familiar route
Hands grazing across solid walls
Gaps
Walls
And door.
Finding the handle,
Twisting
He opens his door, stepping into his room.
Shutting the door behind him, he stands but for a moment
Looking out upon his room
Eyes glancing and dashing across the surface of ornaments of life
Bed. Window. Couch. Floor. Closet. Debris. Desk. Ceiling Fan. Dresser. Bookshelf.
A quick hesitation before his fall into blankets of fantasies…

He walks across the room
Shutting closet door
Leaving the mini blinds up.
Standing before the one way mirror
And gazing out on darkness and self.
He turns and clicks off the lights.
And crawls into bed.
Head down upon soft pillows.
Opening eyes to see
the dark transition of his room…

And the window view
A world of forests isolated from the world
Bright moonlight beams down
upon trees birthing streams of shadows.
"Good night world," he whispers
And curls up and closes his eyes to
sleep undisturbed and then awaken to light.
Ironic, dreams to fade day to day…

But the night was not to be what he expected.

A night to awaken the Death in All…
The silent void not so soothing
for a boy, all alone…

Storm of Thoughts

04/04/07

Current mood: curious

When the fuck will people realize that we are all hypocrites.
And, we all stereotype.

Meh. Just a thought.

---(I cant stop thinking. or writing. But that's kinda obvious...the constant thinking. That might be bad if I could stop thinking. I might just be dead. or drunk. or drugged. Anyhow. Time for rambling.

People are always expected to have the answer.

If someone doesn't have the answer, then people think there is no answer.

People think that no one can understand them. They are encouraged by this train of thought when no one can say anything that relates to how they feel. So. Does that mean no one gets it?…are we all oblivious then?…

I'm tired of being expected to have the right words. My words used to be things I wanted to say. Now they are things that are said because they are needed or expected. What a waste. I can't keep promises anymore. I haven't been able to for the last 5 months. I've become less than I was. I'm not the same person I became over the summer.

I have been a closed bottle my entire high school years. I know I'm not the only one. But I quite literally disconnected my old personality, and made a new one. I ripped apart my old world, hid it away, and stepped into a new world. How dare I judge others that did the same, even if the affect of their actions have burned me.

Now, I stand here looking back at what has been changed. I became something more after the summer, but just as quickly, I lost something else. With this new, more real character, I lost the old me.

I want both sides of me. I want the dignity and integrity and perseverance and the self-confidence and childishness and yearning for the beyond. I want the thoughtfulness and contentness and the openness. But I've watched my life go by, and now I see it is now just splitting roads. I have to choose a path, and leave all the others behind. Or I can try to go off the paths, and try to walk many. But so far, that hasn't worked.

I'm tired of expectations. And one day, so will you.

I apparently don't understand empathy though. I can't. I'm a boy. I'm not a human being. I cant do that. Empathy is not a thing teenage boys can feel. We aren't complex and advanced enough for it. We are to busy thinking about sex and women and cars and what we want, when we want it. We are to wrapped up in ourselves and our own lives to care. And most of all, we don't have standards. Reason and Purpose are not components of our lifestyle. 
By the way…the above paragraph was sarcasm…if you didn’t catch.

People think what they want to think, and nothing you can say can change that.

We are never enough. People get to know you, and expect the world from you. Or at least something more. They'd never say that though. They'd never admit that. But you know, deep down...

---

Life is not like the Sims game. You don't have little icons above your head, showing everyone what you are 'really' saying, or what you are thinking, or how you are feeling, or what you are going to do or want to do.

So we have to try to express ourselves and communicate through words. But, as many words as there are, there aren't enough. So, words become relative to the situation. …

The emotions we express are the closest ways we can express what is going on up in our head, because you, or anyone else, will never know what's going on in my head, even if I tell you. I will never know what is going on in your head. We can hold up masks or not, and no one would know the difference. We as humans were not meant to be able to mind read. And emotions are just a state of mind. The action hence following the emotion is a profound statement of how you feel, but yet, it is only that. It is only a picture, not a story.

People think just because they can see a person, just because they are talking to them and hear their words, that that person is there. We assume that, because they are standing right there. They are talking and replying back to the things you are saying. Most of the time though, people are not there. The words that they speak are just words thrown about to continue the daily routine of fake formalities. There is no connection…

But every once in awhile, throughout the constant cycle of living/dying, there are connections…

All we Have in life to hold on to are those rare bonds that occur between two people. You find someone, and one day something happens, and for an instant, the two of you are one. They can be absolute strangers, or your closest friend, but the reality is, despite the horrible tragedy of the walls and limitations of our mind, all human beings have the potential to connect. To connect beyond the physical, beyond words, beyond the mind. For just one instant, the fabrics of your very being, and theirs, connect.
---

Writing seems to me, to be one of the closest ways to express the true state of thought and mind one is at. Speaking and trying to choose the right, few words is never easy. You are expected to say the right thing instantly. Your mind doesn't always work that fast. You need time to think. 
But people get so involved with socialization, that it would seem that we all just forget that we have brains. Words just become something, like a river, streaming out of our mouth. Some people realize the mouth should be more like a Dam. 
Which is good, for obvious reasons. We all need to know when to shut the hell up and listen. 

So, it is much more profound when I write, cause I have time to think out every sentence I write, and realize the meaning behind it, and make sure that's what I really mean when I write it. So to Everyone, I'm sorry if I don't use the 'right' words in our daily conversations. I'm willing to realize that you don't use the right ones all the time either.

But even with writing, it is still sometimes impossible to express how you feel. There is that feeling inside of you, and it is so gigantic, so huge, so crushing, and you just, cant, express, how profound it is. No matter what you say or write cant explain, and trying to just makes you more confused.

Momentary Escape

03/29/07

The reflective entrance glass doors of the vertically enormous lobby were pushed curiously, hastily aside, opening out into the dark night. He stepped out from the large building, past the brick pillars, and out from under the awning into the wet street. Rain poured around him, as he looked out into the vast sky; dark clouds looming above him. He could hear tires pulsating through water. He stared out at the cars in the parking lot before him. He began walking down the upwards sloping street, dismissing the restrictive laws and rationale of not walking in the middle of a street.

The pouring sprinkles of rain shimmered upon and around him as he began to jog up the street, jumping over the rippling puddles and landing on the turning sidewalk. He tossed his uniform shirt off and threw it aside, tossing aside his duties, abandoning the imposing, infecting 'necessities' of society. He stood at the edge of the sidewalk, staring out at the large numerous lane street spawning off from the distant freeway. The darkness of the night reigned around him, the city lights and the car lights glaring out and rushing about him.

He gazed out on the street, his mind already made up before the fear or potential hesitation could arise. He waited, waited for the right moment, as the cars sped by. And then…he took off running.

Sprinting off running, stopping at the green belt in-between the two sides of the road, he walked through the brush and trees, watching the cars approaching and zipping by across the wet lanes. He jetted out into the wide black street, and across into the city, leaving his life and expectancy behind.

Suddenly the sky lighted up. He looked up to see a streak of crackling lightening dash across the night sky, sprinkles descending upon him. Seconds passed, as he stared up in awe. Thunder distantly echoed.

He was under the storm. More lightening spiked across the sky above him. The light in the darkness of the city and rain storm were magnificent. He turned, and kept walking and running through the city, the sky and wonder above lighting up every several pounding heart beats.

Despite the limitations, he let it all go; as he cut through parking lots and in between buildings and across streets. He wandered through endless cars, leaped across walls and climbed hills and through empty building sites. Minutes meant nothing. Time was not relevant. And so, every second, every panting breath, every stabbing in the chest from to much running, was cherished.

He was only gone for 90 minutes, but for him, that time was longer than previous weeks and months of pointlessness. It had been an everlasting, profound moment that had set him free of all his troubles, faults, failings, and pains. The lightening streaking across the infinite dark night sky, full with energy and friction, had released the anger and frustration etching through his veins that he himself could not let go.

No matter the pain and erosion of his life, for that moment, he was free from Everything. Even himself. There was no past.

The people he saw amongst the city, even though many were familiar, they were just acquaintances that a previous self had once known. Tonight, he was new.

There was no painful, memorable past. No haunting future.

Only Now.

Clouds of Nine

3-21-07

Walking upon fallen leaves

The brightest colors before the 'Fall', during, and after…

Ironic delicacies of the World tossed aside by children's echoes and Laughter…

A sudden change in the destiny of Lives

So peaceful a resolve to such a cold season

To undo and brush away the stained strands of the sad past

Change the tone of this melody and wipe away the raindrops no longer searing

Adjust the shade to colors of Clarity that shine so bright

And smile

Without seemingly a sound sane Reason.

Triumph over the Sufferers,

changing Scene from travesty to happy endings,

to new beginnings.

Now its Spring, so farewell to the worldly flings

Come and gone has the Ice Age

So no more rage, Time to turn the page

Watch as storm clouds fade away

Say Goodbye to Goodbyes

And blossom and change into something More

Rays of hope guiding paths to better ways

Now discover the Clouds of Nine

Radiating across the wondrous spectrums of the sky

I have it to be finally Mine

A world of warmth and smiles and wind

grazing across the hills and grassy plains under the Blue Pure.

Body and soul link

To a world beyond this own

Unveil it

A Heaven found on Earth

Sing and Scream for joy all your troubles away

Forget the desires of the world

And just lay back and close your eyes

And See spirit rise

Feel

Gliding upon air

Float amongst the branches and clouds

Soar up to the sky

Breath taken by the awe and power of the infinite wonder

Take it up in your arms

And Hold on with simple hands.

Fly away from Reality

And up into the clouds so high.

This the only still frame with everlasting essence

Paint this perfect Picture

This place better then home…

Never want to leave this place

Where there are no walls to restrict

Or buildings to test the limit of the sky

No fences to yield the escapade.

Hear the echoes of the Hymn of Life

So run on through the trees,

Prancing carefree

Onwards to the Parade

Where dying ends and living begins

A place where anything is possible.

A land of fantasy

Where night time dreams are day time adventures

Everyday is a mystery worth seeking out

A forest of unseen discoveries to be found

All under this Sun…

Take it with here or there

It can be anywhere the Mind is Set.

Time has no power here

So throw that clock right out the window

And never come back to the horrid Now

Live and Be Free

Intertwined upon trees

Fall into piles of leaves

Lay upon grass

Stare up at shooting stars

Let go of Gravity

And set sail across the sea of sky

To find the Clouds of Nine

Welcome Home

03/19/07 

Current mood: Indescribable anger

Bask in the river of warmth

Let the searing heat stream and flow through your veins

Let steam rise from your flesh

Your skin as light as air

Your mind as unrestrained and infinite

as Space. Far and beyond.

Untouchable and High.

Floating, Soaring; Spirit released in sighs of solitude,

breaths of invincibility and endless possibilities

A world only as solid as you allow

'This Place' so welcoming as Home,

A place so well liked…

And craved by desires

Echoes to Freedom

Pleasure far expanding dreams

Out living them

Killing them

Hands and finger tips grazing and caressing

and feeling across the fabrics of the world

Pulsing and pressing against

Mesmerized by vibrations

Pounding hard into the ground.

Escape from Fences

Leap

Lose Breath and pray-no, hope

And land and run on

And whisk away necessaries and values

Leave behind past and fear

Let go and Lose control

Release Drive to rage Adrenalin

Breath in smiles unrestrained

Breath out passionate

And strong

Allow Will to reach out and conquer and explore

To Live Everything

Glare out upon rocks and hills and paths

And dare to die or break the '…Reason'

Pave your own trail

Discover the Ambiance lurking within

And seek out…more.

Time washes by…

Frustration slowly escalates for a world so easily broken.

Crash against resolutions of mind and emotions

Define your central Being

Express through Actions.

Burn and tear

Exalt your absolute

Embrace it and feel Alive

   …The only passage to everlasting existence

Leave behind and forget the Essence

let it shatter and waste away in your wake.

Let memories awaken Innate voices

Vivacity born within

Pressure ripping and expanding

Breaking and ushering into discharges

Clouds Rushing outwards,

Chain reactions of explosions

Waves of annihilations, pounding heart beats

Back drafts of melting Life

Exhale

and

let the air roar from your lungs,

scream until your soul tears away your body's frame and whole,

let it all out until nothing remains

Till the thousand scars cut and fractured, self inflicted over and over

eachother no longer heal.

Watch, and feel the sensation, blood streaming out-

bleed out and feel the burning-

-Sting and stab, unanticipated convulsions of pain.

Fade the music of beating hearts

One by one

And in the solemn silence of the night,

Look and see the ruins of graveyards

                      That you have caused

And admire

And feel

And cry

For the before unseen connections and bonds now, Where_

...Only Now can you see the Essence, Past.

Remember and never smile again

The beauty of Irony and Tragedy.

All alone.

Now you see Everything

Feel the Cold air

              Whisper you away...

Transition from concrete to abstract.

Now

Welcome home

The Vice of My Pride

04-07/11

…But Now I know this is a lie. Fear has given birth to a different kind of PRIDE in my heart. I didn’t believe I ever needed help because I thought I could handle things on my own…or rather that I should…

I felt that to be a man, one handled their own issues. To be a man, you bottled up your emotions, and carried your own burdens silently.      

So, I buried such things deep down in my subconscious, ignoring them to the point that I convinced myself I had no emotions. But in reality, I was just avoiding them.

I would at a seconds notice drop almost anything and everything for others if they had issues and needed help or advice, but I never considered myself on the same level as others. It became what I thought was selflessness, (to help, give advice, and guide others all the while ignoring myself) but really it became an inverted selfishness… a negative, self-inflicting pride. 

I looked down on myself, beating myself up internally if I ever had any ‘issues’ bubble up from the depths. Instantly I would think ‘don’t be stupid’ and ‘your issues don’t matter’ and ‘people have it so much worse than you…stop being selfish’. I’d go months… years even without ever dealing with myself. But little wounds, no matter how small they are, become infected and, unattended, fester. A thousand little cuts piled over each other can’t be healed by fixing band aids over them. 

I became too prideful to truly open up and ask for help from others because I didn’t think I was worth it. I figured people would only care about me if I was helping them with their problems, but really, this was because I had no confidence in myself. Pride is a sign of low self-esteem, not confidence. And without confidence, you slowly die and lose your identity. You can exist without it, as I did, but you can’t live.

I became a robot without identity. I denied my emotions’ existence, and I swept everything under the rug. But rugs can only bury so much before you start tripping over the rubble. Hide or run became my only responses to anything pertaining to me. I had to be a man… I had to take care of myself.