Storm of Thoughts

04/04/07

Current mood: curious

When the fuck will people realize that we are all hypocrites.
And, we all stereotype.

Meh. Just a thought.

---(I cant stop thinking. or writing. But that's kinda obvious...the constant thinking. That might be bad if I could stop thinking. I might just be dead. or drunk. or drugged. Anyhow. Time for rambling.

People are always expected to have the answer.

If someone doesn't have the answer, then people think there is no answer.

People think that no one can understand them. They are encouraged by this train of thought when no one can say anything that relates to how they feel. So. Does that mean no one gets it?…are we all oblivious then?…

I'm tired of being expected to have the right words. My words used to be things I wanted to say. Now they are things that are said because they are needed or expected. What a waste. I can't keep promises anymore. I haven't been able to for the last 5 months. I've become less than I was. I'm not the same person I became over the summer.

I have been a closed bottle my entire high school years. I know I'm not the only one. But I quite literally disconnected my old personality, and made a new one. I ripped apart my old world, hid it away, and stepped into a new world. How dare I judge others that did the same, even if the affect of their actions have burned me.

Now, I stand here looking back at what has been changed. I became something more after the summer, but just as quickly, I lost something else. With this new, more real character, I lost the old me.

I want both sides of me. I want the dignity and integrity and perseverance and the self-confidence and childishness and yearning for the beyond. I want the thoughtfulness and contentness and the openness. But I've watched my life go by, and now I see it is now just splitting roads. I have to choose a path, and leave all the others behind. Or I can try to go off the paths, and try to walk many. But so far, that hasn't worked.

I'm tired of expectations. And one day, so will you.

I apparently don't understand empathy though. I can't. I'm a boy. I'm not a human being. I cant do that. Empathy is not a thing teenage boys can feel. We aren't complex and advanced enough for it. We are to busy thinking about sex and women and cars and what we want, when we want it. We are to wrapped up in ourselves and our own lives to care. And most of all, we don't have standards. Reason and Purpose are not components of our lifestyle. 
By the way…the above paragraph was sarcasm…if you didn’t catch.

People think what they want to think, and nothing you can say can change that.

We are never enough. People get to know you, and expect the world from you. Or at least something more. They'd never say that though. They'd never admit that. But you know, deep down...

---

Life is not like the Sims game. You don't have little icons above your head, showing everyone what you are 'really' saying, or what you are thinking, or how you are feeling, or what you are going to do or want to do.

So we have to try to express ourselves and communicate through words. But, as many words as there are, there aren't enough. So, words become relative to the situation. …

The emotions we express are the closest ways we can express what is going on up in our head, because you, or anyone else, will never know what's going on in my head, even if I tell you. I will never know what is going on in your head. We can hold up masks or not, and no one would know the difference. We as humans were not meant to be able to mind read. And emotions are just a state of mind. The action hence following the emotion is a profound statement of how you feel, but yet, it is only that. It is only a picture, not a story.

People think just because they can see a person, just because they are talking to them and hear their words, that that person is there. We assume that, because they are standing right there. They are talking and replying back to the things you are saying. Most of the time though, people are not there. The words that they speak are just words thrown about to continue the daily routine of fake formalities. There is no connection…

But every once in awhile, throughout the constant cycle of living/dying, there are connections…

All we Have in life to hold on to are those rare bonds that occur between two people. You find someone, and one day something happens, and for an instant, the two of you are one. They can be absolute strangers, or your closest friend, but the reality is, despite the horrible tragedy of the walls and limitations of our mind, all human beings have the potential to connect. To connect beyond the physical, beyond words, beyond the mind. For just one instant, the fabrics of your very being, and theirs, connect.
---

Writing seems to me, to be one of the closest ways to express the true state of thought and mind one is at. Speaking and trying to choose the right, few words is never easy. You are expected to say the right thing instantly. Your mind doesn't always work that fast. You need time to think. 
But people get so involved with socialization, that it would seem that we all just forget that we have brains. Words just become something, like a river, streaming out of our mouth. Some people realize the mouth should be more like a Dam. 
Which is good, for obvious reasons. We all need to know when to shut the hell up and listen. 

So, it is much more profound when I write, cause I have time to think out every sentence I write, and realize the meaning behind it, and make sure that's what I really mean when I write it. So to Everyone, I'm sorry if I don't use the 'right' words in our daily conversations. I'm willing to realize that you don't use the right ones all the time either.

But even with writing, it is still sometimes impossible to express how you feel. There is that feeling inside of you, and it is so gigantic, so huge, so crushing, and you just, cant, express, how profound it is. No matter what you say or write cant explain, and trying to just makes you more confused.